Miserable
Every night I dream that Drater comes home...every morning I wake up and she isn't...
A few updates…
I have been going out at night with a flash light looking for Drater with no luck. I am coming to the conclusion that she is going to have to find me. But I will probably keep trying just so I feel like I am doing SOMETHING! TO think...everyone wondered why I named her Drater! (For those of you not in the know, spell it backwards.)
While I was at the vet waiting for Steve to take Halon back, I got a call from the UCLA Medical Center with the results of the genetic autopsy. Down Syndrome. The pregnancy terminated itself due to Down Syndrome. I'm still sad but releived. I knew I had done everything right as far as my pregnancy was concerned...followed all of the rules (even cut out caffeine and refined sugar), but in the back of my mind I often questioned if it was something I had done or something I had not done. I now know definitively that it was not my fault, that this was out of my control.
I have some errands to run today, I am supposed to be picking up a scene that I shot for my members area. C ross your fingers that it is ready for me!
BTW, no...you're not crazy...that was Craig staying the night here Sunday... F*CK!
Drater got out Saturday...I STILL haven't found her! Well, it’s Mother’s Day…
I have been dreading today ever since May 1...the day of my DNC. After the procedure, I was bed-ridden with both emotional pain and physical pain. For the first 6-8 days, each time a Mother's Day ad came on television, I sobbed hysterically! Craig, in an effort to console me, asked me what he could do to make me feel better. I said to him, "Hurt with me." His reply was simple, "I am here while you are hurting." Yes, that was true...but (as I explained) what I wanted was for HIM to feel the pain with me. Not to remain a spectator in this, but to be a participant. He couldn't. He was releived that this had happened. He had moved out after I refused to terminate the pregnancy. With random comments made by BOTH of us at different times about our relationship being on the track towards marriage, Craig told me he never wanted to get married...not to me or anyone else...that I was better off finding someone who wanted the "same things" I wanted. To be blunt, on that particular day, all I wanted was for my reality to be nothing more than a nightmare and to wake up, pregnant with a healthy baby. I honestly was not thinking along the same lines Craig was at the moment. Between the overwhelming grief and the hormonal swings (the hormones filtering out of your system provides some interesting mood swings), I was not really thinking about any one lifetime goal. Craig dumped me, walked out and showed no emotion over the situation. Meanwhile, I was in torment! Of all times that I needed him, dealing with the loss of our baby-to-be was the most crucial. I needed him here with me. I did not need to talk about anything. I did not need to be coddled. I just needed to have him physically present so I could at least rid myself of the lonliness my days in bed carved out in my heart. I asked him to just come and sit on the condition that we not talk about anything other than idle chit chat. He agreed. Some days he showed up, other days he just disappeared...no phone call saying he was not coming after all, no text message...nothing...only to pop back up a day or two later as if things were back to normal. When he was here, he was tender, compassionate and seemed legitamately concerned about me and my feelings. When he dropped out of communication, the silence was deafening. When you are used to a busy schedule then everything screeches to a halt, the hours drag by so slowly! I know I went mad a few times. I blew his phone up looking for him. Pleading with him. Begging him. Bargaining with him. He'd start the next day with his typical "GM" text to my cell (GM= Good Morning) when he got up to get ready for work. Some days he would stay in touch, others he would text me "Hello" then never reply. Wednesday, via text because he was at work and I am the queen of texting (I HATE talking on the phone), he said he was thinking of stopping by after work. I replied, "Maybe. Hit me up and see where I am." I was actually starting to get out of bed for short errands and had PLANNED on going tanning around 5-ish (I still have not made it to the tanning place yet). He wrote back asking if I had a hot date. Since his usual reply to EVERYTHING is "Maybe", that is what I wrote back. He flipped out on me! Keep in mind here, I have not been returning phone calls, text messages, emails or anything...I have been in bed bleeding for a week (I am still not fully recovered) and I am STILL not allowed to do anything sexual (well, other than sucking cock and licking slit, I suppose)...and really not wanting to face the world in general. It somewhat irked me that he flipped out on me....no, actually it pissed me the f*ck off! I shot back explaining to him that HE dumped ME...that if I DID have a date, it was none of his concern...I told him that since he and I were not together anymore, he could not monopolize my time, that I have spent the last 23 months waiting for him (both emotionally and literally) and that I was not going to continue to do so...AND, that since he could not tell me when he was getting off of work, I could not tell him if I would be here. He left work immediately and came here. Thursday night, he had promised to stay the night (I have yet to sleep completely through a full night...I tend to wake up between 4:30 and 6:30 am...sometimes I fall back asleep, sometimes I just lie there) in an attempt to let me feel that security and strength that I need to sleep and actually get rested. He came over 45 minutes after he was supposed to get here. He acted like he would rather be getting a root canal or anally raped rather than be at my home. He made jabbing comments about me "obviously working on getting over" him and een asked if I had "worked" that day. Doing WHAT?! I am a porn chick with a broken pussy! The work question seemed more like an accusation than a question...it was just weird and out of place. He asked me to set my alarm clock for 7:40, which I did. When I awoke at 6:42, I was alone. He had left without a good bye, without a note, nothing. I have to say, I sort of panicked. I was groggy, tired, sore and so emotionally devastated, I just felt sheer terror for some unknown reason.. I texted him, asking where he was. he wrote back saying he had left to call Germany and do some European sales. Bullshit. If you knew you had to be at the office (which he doesn't have keys to and no one has EVER been there that early to let him in...) at 6 in the morning, you knew it when we went to sleep at 11 the night before. Friday, I asked him what his plans were. Did he want to come over and act like he actually wanted to be there? What was going on with his sudden arctic blast of an attitude towards me? He replied to the chit chatty things for a bit then shot me a "WHAT?!" message when I asked if he was coming by or not. He then told me he was really busy and would hit me back in a bit. This is Sunday, I've heard nothing. I am slowly coming to terms with the miscarriage and am not beginning to come to terms with the fact that he has been more emotionally unavailable than I ever realized. I had thought it difficult for him to EXPRESS emotions, not I am wondering if he is even capable of developing them. I need to start thinking about myself first. I have a clean start right now. I am NOT pregnant, I am single and I had "retired" from scene work on May 1...ironically although I had set that date 6 weeks prior, it turned out to be the same day I had my DNC. Single, wary and unemployed (technically)...now seems like as good a time as any to demand that any man who wants to be a part of my life treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve. Oddly enough, not a single one of my friends had supported my desire to stay with Craig and not a single one is sad to see me distangle myself from this dysfunctional relationship...maybe there is hope for me yet!
Editor's note: It is now 10:39 am...my phone just chimed with a text message....from Craig...it says, "Gm" Grogginess is wearing off…
AskKayla has been updated! Charles!
I had something made especially for you and took it with me to AdultCon but did not see you there. I cannot find your email address (you know how organized *I* can be!) ...could you drop me a line so I can get this to you? I was sad not to see you there! Today my world crumbled…
I went in for an ultra-sound to check on my 11 week pregnancy. There was no cardiac activity. I am scheduled for a DNC tomorrow. I will be offline for a few days. AdultCon
I WILL be at AdultCOn this weekend...More Info
I have to go pick up Anal Latex Whores #2 from a distributor today...I am still wrangling up dvd's to bring, but I have t-shirts, skateboard decks and such to sell as well. See you there!
:) The scoop…
Things have been fairly hectic around here lately, in case you haven't noticed! I have had a few friends staying here off and on...both Johnny Knox and Tabatha Tucker. Crowded as it may be, I am glad I am able to give them a hand when they need it most! My lease here is up in May, I doubt I will renew it. I have been looking in to other nearby properties that allow large-breed dogs. When I originally moved to the valley, finding a place that would allow Dalmatians was difficult enough, finding a place that allowed THREE was nearly impossible! Now that I have only one dog, more options have opened up for me. I think Halon and I have out-grown this tiny one bedroom! I haven't decided yet if I am just looking for a larger one bedroom or if I am going to try to find a two bedroom. I could use the space, but I only have furniture for a one bedroom place...I hate to think I would be renting a two bedroom just for the extra closet!
This week is (so far) a slow one for me. I am double-booked Thursday but have little else on the books. I am actually a bit glad! I need a few days to take it easy, catch up on email, housework and the like. With so many people staying here, it takes little for my apartment to look cluttered and messy!
We got a kitten last week! A tortoise female that we named Drater. Wanna know where the name came from? Spell it backwards! LOL She is a TERROR! She chewed through my firewire, so I need to replace it tomorrow. I cannot pull video from my camera until I do. My desk lamp is history, too. Halon is adjusting to having her here, they get along for the most part...well, until Drater tries to swat at Halons tail. Drater has gooten a few digs in with her nails. We clipped her sharp kitty claws and that has helped. She's already ruined my curtains. Every day I wake up to find something else missing, destroyed or moved. *giggle* I really hope she grows out of this destructive phase soon! Hurry and become a lazy cat! LOL
Wicked was pleased with my scene. They even mentioned bringing me back to shoot for them again in the future! YEAH! Despite the director throwing his back out on the Brazzers set, I had a lot of fun shooting for them, too. The set-up was fairly involved. I think more time was spent setting up and breaking down lights (the script called for dialogue in several different rooms) than actually f*cking! LOL I got to work with Seth Dickens again, he and I just work well together! I know it'll be a strong scene when I am booked with him! Christian XXX is the same way! The chemistry is just there!
I might be traveling to the east coast soon to shoot for a magazine. We're in the midst of negotiating rates and such. Cross your fingers! Yeah!
Vivid just booked me again for Saturday! w00t! Girlfriend Films for the 14th, also! March is looking good! Four shoots on the books and the month hasn't even started yet!